Friday, October 28, 2011
Sunday, October 23, 2011
littlest one
this is what i call her most often, littlest one. we enjoy coffee together, as a treat. it is my most favorite time with her. she loves to sit and sip and talk in the cool of the morning. i love this time with her. we both enjoy the drink, but littlest one savors it. i savor her, the time i have been given with her.
"Behold, children [are] a heritage from the LORD, The fruit of the womb [is] a reward." Psalm 127:3
beautiful
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| "I rise before the dawning of the morning, And cry for help; I hope in Your word." Psalm 119:147 |
Saturday, October 22, 2011
james 4:7-11
"Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. Cleanse [your] hands, [ye] sinners; and purify [your] hearts, [ye] double minded. Be afflicted, and mourn, and weep: let your laughter be turned to mourning, and [your] joy to heaviness. Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up. Speak not evil one of another, brethren. He that speaketh evil of [his] brother, and judgeth his brother, speaketh evil of the law, and judgeth the law: but if thou judge the law, thou art not a doer of the law, but a judge." James 4:7-11
"resist the devil and he will flee from you." resist him? i have been making him coffee in the morning and holding his hand through the day. knowing that this is why when i pray i seem to be only uttering words - for my children. for appearances. near to Him? no, not near, but far far away.
forget submitting to God. not only have i not drawn near to Him, but have utterly avoided Him. why? in Him alone is forgiveness and peace. what can wash away my sins? nothing but the blood of Jesus. why can't i come before Him? i know He sees me? why can't i come boldly before the throne of grace. did you hear that? grace! He gives grace.
cleanse my hands, purify my heart? there is no affliction. she asks me when the last time i shed tears over this matter. i laughed. i laughed so i wouldn't cry. look at what the verse says: "let your laughter be turned to mourning." "humble yourself."
i couldn't sleep last night. that is not normal. i always sleep. it wasn't that chris wasn't in the bed, we haven't slept in the same room for a week. it's not that he is out of town. the night before i slept soundly. when i slept, my dreams tormented me. i was hot, uncomfortable all through the night.
the only peace i have is buried down deeply and i feel like i am using a child's shovel to dig it out. it is going painstakingly slow. the only comfort i have right now is knowing that because i am His, He will not allow me the comfort of staying right where i am. it is only by His love and His will that i have the smallest desire to change.
she said you are afraid and i cried. why? i don't know why or of what? what could be scarier than where i am now? i hate this flesh. i hate this sin. this heart of mine. i utterly despise it. the chains of this body, this mind. He said i would be new, He said i wouldn't be a slave. He said He would empower me to choose. I want to be free. Jesus said that He is the way the truth and the life and that we would know the truth and the truth would set me free. why then do i still seem so confounded by this life? why do i sit on the judgement seat seeking to be like-god in all that i think, say and do? why?
"Have mercy upon me, O God, According to Your lovingkindness; According to the multitude of Your tender mercies, Blot out my transgressions.
Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, And cleanse me from my sin.
For I acknowledge my transgressions, And my sin [is] always before me.
Against You, You only, have I sinned, And done [this] evil in Your sight--That You may be found just when You speak, [And] blameless when You judge.
Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, And in sin my mother conceived me.
Behold, You desire truth in the inward parts, And in the hidden [part] You will make me to know wisdom.
Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
Make me hear joy and gladness, [That] the bones You have broken may rejoice.
Hide Your face from my sins, And blot out all my iniquities.
Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me away from Your presence, And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of Your salvation, And uphold me [by Your] generous Spirit.
[Then] I will teach transgressors Your ways, And sinners shall be converted to You.
Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God, The God of my salvation, [And] my tongue shall sing aloud of Your righteousness.
O Lord, open my lips, And my mouth shall show forth Your praise.
For You do not desire sacrifice, or else I would give [it]; You do not delight in burnt offering.
The sacrifices of God [are] a broken spirit, A broken and a contrite heart--These, O God, You will not despise." Psalm 51:1-17
"resist the devil and he will flee from you." resist him? i have been making him coffee in the morning and holding his hand through the day. knowing that this is why when i pray i seem to be only uttering words - for my children. for appearances. near to Him? no, not near, but far far away.
forget submitting to God. not only have i not drawn near to Him, but have utterly avoided Him. why? in Him alone is forgiveness and peace. what can wash away my sins? nothing but the blood of Jesus. why can't i come before Him? i know He sees me? why can't i come boldly before the throne of grace. did you hear that? grace! He gives grace.
cleanse my hands, purify my heart? there is no affliction. she asks me when the last time i shed tears over this matter. i laughed. i laughed so i wouldn't cry. look at what the verse says: "let your laughter be turned to mourning." "humble yourself."
i couldn't sleep last night. that is not normal. i always sleep. it wasn't that chris wasn't in the bed, we haven't slept in the same room for a week. it's not that he is out of town. the night before i slept soundly. when i slept, my dreams tormented me. i was hot, uncomfortable all through the night.
the only peace i have is buried down deeply and i feel like i am using a child's shovel to dig it out. it is going painstakingly slow. the only comfort i have right now is knowing that because i am His, He will not allow me the comfort of staying right where i am. it is only by His love and His will that i have the smallest desire to change.
she said you are afraid and i cried. why? i don't know why or of what? what could be scarier than where i am now? i hate this flesh. i hate this sin. this heart of mine. i utterly despise it. the chains of this body, this mind. He said i would be new, He said i wouldn't be a slave. He said He would empower me to choose. I want to be free. Jesus said that He is the way the truth and the life and that we would know the truth and the truth would set me free. why then do i still seem so confounded by this life? why do i sit on the judgement seat seeking to be like-god in all that i think, say and do? why?
"Have mercy upon me, O God, According to Your lovingkindness; According to the multitude of Your tender mercies, Blot out my transgressions.
Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, And cleanse me from my sin.
For I acknowledge my transgressions, And my sin [is] always before me.
Against You, You only, have I sinned, And done [this] evil in Your sight--That You may be found just when You speak, [And] blameless when You judge.
Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, And in sin my mother conceived me.
Behold, You desire truth in the inward parts, And in the hidden [part] You will make me to know wisdom.
Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
Make me hear joy and gladness, [That] the bones You have broken may rejoice.
Hide Your face from my sins, And blot out all my iniquities.
Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me away from Your presence, And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of Your salvation, And uphold me [by Your] generous Spirit.
[Then] I will teach transgressors Your ways, And sinners shall be converted to You.
Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God, The God of my salvation, [And] my tongue shall sing aloud of Your righteousness.
O Lord, open my lips, And my mouth shall show forth Your praise.
For You do not desire sacrifice, or else I would give [it]; You do not delight in burnt offering.
The sacrifices of God [are] a broken spirit, A broken and a contrite heart--These, O God, You will not despise." Psalm 51:1-17
Friday, October 21, 2011
confessions of a sinner
can you imagine an exhausted, wounded and utterly surrounded warrior wanting to prolong the battle that he fights? absolutely not! peace - he struggles against oppression, for peace. he should decidedly rather be at home in the sweet comfort of those he loves.
"For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual [hosts] of wickedness in the heavenly [places]." Ephesians 6:12
what battle is this i have the audacity to say tires me? exhausts me? utterly overwhelms me? there are those running for their very lives this very moment - in china, in sudan, in iran, in afghanastan, uae, france. there are those who don't dare whisper the name above all names for fear of death. His words are desperately hidden from sight and memorized at length for fear that their book may be seen and taken. there are those who are starved, tortured, beaten, bruised and killed - counted worthy by Him who suffered the same.
no, i sit and battle my wretched pride that overtakes me at near every turn. how fast it grows when it is fed. it is fed here in this comfortable life of mine. no, not that for dinner, this. are you kidding me? no, don't straighten the living room like that, can't you see that the couch cover is crooked? seriously? can't you see that you are in my way of what i want, when i want it and how i want it?
my Christ died for me. before the foundation of the world, Christ chose me. while i was His enemy, Christ loved me.
"Woe to him who strives with his Maker! [Let] the potsherd [strive] with the potsherds of the earth! Shall the clay say to him who forms it, 'What are you making?' Or shall your handiwork [say], 'He has no hands'?" Isaiah 45:9
WOE - as opposed to blessed.
"God resists the proud, But gives grace to the humble." James 4:6
RESISTS - opposes
i confess, i am proud. i am filled with pride. it flows from me as easily as i breath. it is our curse. don't you remember? to be like-god. that liar, that cunning, evil liar who from old lied to our mother eve and continues to lie to us. and like sheep led to the slaughter, we follow.
LORD save us! LORD forgive us. LORD change us. LORD, be our LORD and Master.
"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh I will put My Spirit within you and cause you to walk in My statutes, and you will keep My judgments and do [them]." Ezekiel 36:26-27
i must cling to this promise LORD. it is you who must accomplish your purposes within me. please LORD, i am drowning...
..."And immediately Jesus stretched out [His] hand and caught him, and said to him, "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?" Matthew 14:31
catch me Jesus.
"For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual [hosts] of wickedness in the heavenly [places]." Ephesians 6:12
what battle is this i have the audacity to say tires me? exhausts me? utterly overwhelms me? there are those running for their very lives this very moment - in china, in sudan, in iran, in afghanastan, uae, france. there are those who don't dare whisper the name above all names for fear of death. His words are desperately hidden from sight and memorized at length for fear that their book may be seen and taken. there are those who are starved, tortured, beaten, bruised and killed - counted worthy by Him who suffered the same.
no, i sit and battle my wretched pride that overtakes me at near every turn. how fast it grows when it is fed. it is fed here in this comfortable life of mine. no, not that for dinner, this. are you kidding me? no, don't straighten the living room like that, can't you see that the couch cover is crooked? seriously? can't you see that you are in my way of what i want, when i want it and how i want it?
my Christ died for me. before the foundation of the world, Christ chose me. while i was His enemy, Christ loved me.
"Woe to him who strives with his Maker! [Let] the potsherd [strive] with the potsherds of the earth! Shall the clay say to him who forms it, 'What are you making?' Or shall your handiwork [say], 'He has no hands'?" Isaiah 45:9
WOE - as opposed to blessed.
"God resists the proud, But gives grace to the humble." James 4:6
RESISTS - opposes
i confess, i am proud. i am filled with pride. it flows from me as easily as i breath. it is our curse. don't you remember? to be like-god. that liar, that cunning, evil liar who from old lied to our mother eve and continues to lie to us. and like sheep led to the slaughter, we follow.
LORD save us! LORD forgive us. LORD change us. LORD, be our LORD and Master.
"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh I will put My Spirit within you and cause you to walk in My statutes, and you will keep My judgments and do [them]." Ezekiel 36:26-27
i must cling to this promise LORD. it is you who must accomplish your purposes within me. please LORD, i am drowning...
..."And immediately Jesus stretched out [His] hand and caught him, and said to him, "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?" Matthew 14:31
catch me Jesus.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Isaiah 48:13
"Indeed My hand has laid the foundation of the earth, And My right hand has stretched out the heavens; [When] I call to them, They stand up together."
rain has been falling here in south texas. what a blessing. last night there was a storm. south texas has thunderstorms. i thought that i knew what a thunderstorm was, but as they say, everything is bigger here in texas.
i woke to many waters and thunderous rolls that seemingly had no end. one and then another and another. i love them. it is in the midst of this, that i feel the nearness, the power and the presence of Almighty God.
"And I heard a voice from heaven, like the voice of many waters, and like the voice of loud thunder." Revelation 14:2
when my daughter's sweet hands wrapped around me in gripped fear, and her face was pressed close. i whispered to her . . . this is how the Bible describes the very voice of God. listen child, listen to His power, listen to His strength. indeed, there is none like Him! she watches me in the light of the sky and i can see her wonder. i can see the questions that she does not ask as she studies my adoration of the King and revel in His glorious revelation of might!
. . . and so i prayed through my sleepless early morning, thanking the LORD for waking me to the sound of His blessings, the thoughts of Him, the peace He gives. . . and I held my child close, whispering my great love song to my Jesus. . . and when i woke later that morn, she was sleeping.
rain has been falling here in south texas. what a blessing. last night there was a storm. south texas has thunderstorms. i thought that i knew what a thunderstorm was, but as they say, everything is bigger here in texas.
i woke to many waters and thunderous rolls that seemingly had no end. one and then another and another. i love them. it is in the midst of this, that i feel the nearness, the power and the presence of Almighty God.
"And I heard a voice from heaven, like the voice of many waters, and like the voice of loud thunder." Revelation 14:2
when my daughter's sweet hands wrapped around me in gripped fear, and her face was pressed close. i whispered to her . . . this is how the Bible describes the very voice of God. listen child, listen to His power, listen to His strength. indeed, there is none like Him! she watches me in the light of the sky and i can see her wonder. i can see the questions that she does not ask as she studies my adoration of the King and revel in His glorious revelation of might!
. . . and so i prayed through my sleepless early morning, thanking the LORD for waking me to the sound of His blessings, the thoughts of Him, the peace He gives. . . and I held my child close, whispering my great love song to my Jesus. . . and when i woke later that morn, she was sleeping.
Friday, October 7, 2011
obedience
we obey because He is holy and worthy of obedience. as i was instructing my child today, this phrase came out of my mouth. i was struck - i was struck. i repeated it for her, for me, three times.
i must obey Him because He is holy and worthy of my obedience. Shepherding my child's heart, ha - all the while, He is shepherding my heart.
i must obey Him because He is holy and worthy of my obedience. Shepherding my child's heart, ha - all the while, He is shepherding my heart.
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