james 4:7-11

"Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. Cleanse [your] hands, [ye] sinners; and purify [your] hearts, [ye] double minded. Be afflicted, and mourn, and weep: let your laughter be turned to mourning, and [your] joy to heaviness. Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up. Speak not evil one of another, brethren. He that speaketh evil of [his] brother, and judgeth his brother, speaketh evil of the law, and judgeth the law: but if thou judge the law, thou art not a doer of the law, but a judge." James 4:7-11

"resist the devil and he will flee from you."  resist him?  i have been making him coffee in the morning and holding his hand through the day.  knowing that this is why when i pray i seem to be only uttering words - for my children.  for appearances.  near to Him?  no, not near, but far far away.

forget submitting to God.  not only have i not drawn near to Him, but have utterly avoided Him.  why?  in Him alone is forgiveness and peace.  what can wash away my sins?  nothing but the blood of Jesus.  why can't i come before Him?  i know He sees me?  why can't i come boldly before the throne of grace.  did you hear that?  grace!  He gives grace. 

cleanse my hands, purify my heart?  there is no affliction.  she asks me when the last time i shed tears over this matter.  i laughed.  i laughed so i wouldn't cry.  look at what the verse says: "let your laughter be turned to mourning."  "humble yourself."

i couldn't sleep last night.  that is not normal.  i always sleep.  it wasn't that chris wasn't in the bed, we haven't slept in the same room for a week.  it's not that he is out of town.  the night before i slept soundly.  when i slept, my dreams tormented me.  i was hot, uncomfortable all through the night. 

the only peace i have is buried down deeply and i feel like i am using a child's shovel to dig it out.  it is going painstakingly slow.  the only comfort i have right now is knowing that because i am His, He will not allow me the comfort of staying right where i am.  it is only by His love and His will that i have the smallest desire to change. 

she said you are afraid and i cried.  why?  i don't know why or of what?  what could be scarier than where i am now?  i hate this flesh.  i hate this sin.  this heart of mine.  i utterly despise it.  the chains of this body, this mind.  He said i would be new, He said i wouldn't be a slave.  He said He would empower me to choose.  I want to be free.  Jesus said that He is the way the truth and the life and that we would know the truth and the truth would set me free.  why then do i still seem so confounded by this life?  why do i sit on the judgement seat seeking to be like-god in all that i think, say and do?  why?

"Have mercy upon me, O God, According to Your lovingkindness; According to the multitude of Your tender mercies, Blot out my transgressions. 
Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, And cleanse me from my sin. 
For I acknowledge my transgressions, And my sin [is] always before me. 
Against You, You only, have I sinned, And done [this] evil in Your sight--That You may be found just when You speak, [And] blameless when You judge. 
Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, And in sin my mother conceived me. 
Behold, You desire truth in the inward parts, And in the hidden [part] You will make me to know wisdom.
Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. 
Make me hear joy and gladness, [That] the bones You have broken may rejoice. 
Hide Your face from my sins, And blot out all my iniquities. 
Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me. 
Do not cast me away from Your presence, And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me. 
Restore to me the joy of Your salvation, And uphold me [by Your] generous Spirit.
[Then] I will teach transgressors Your ways, And sinners shall be converted to You. 
Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God, The God of my salvation, [And] my tongue shall sing aloud of Your righteousness. 
O Lord, open my lips, And my mouth shall show forth Your praise. 
For You do not desire sacrifice, or else I would give [it]; You do not delight in burnt offering. 
The sacrifices of God [are] a broken spirit, A broken and a contrite heart--These, O God, You will not despise." Psalm 51:1-17